Me and my second life

Hello,

in this post I want to focus on what bdsm means to me, how I see my life and how I do perverted things in my personal life.

About my life.
I live a pretty normal life as a student, my parents are great, I was in couple of relationships but only vanila. Im single at the moment and I dont feel like I need someone right now. I never met someone who was bdsm positive, my last boyfriend could understand it a little, but we decided after some time that I need more then vanila relationship with some fetish in bed, so we broke. It was for good because I started to feel that I dont enjoy vanila sex without any kind of bdsm.

I live in a small town with my parents. They live downstairs and I have whole upstairs for myself. As I said its a small town, forests are all around, and another closest town is about 5 kilometers far away. My parents like to travel a lot, so I have really a lot of possibilities to play. Another place I like is our cottage. Its about 3 hours away by car from my home, and its pretty much in suclusion area. Another great thing is that I dont know anybody there and they dont know me in case of, you know, something. Anyway as you can see I have a lot of oportunities to be alone and save.

So as I said, I live a pretty normal life, where Im a shy girl. But when Im alone I do pretty wild things. I think that its inside me, because I liked pain and pretty uncommon things as a 7 years old girl. Since then I practice those things on myself without any partner so far. A lot of people told me multiple times to find someone, that its better and so on, but Im still not sure. I would like to try it with partner, but on the other hand I would miss to do things alone. The point is that Im not a 100% slave or submissive, my fantasies are somewhere else a little bit. I dont feel any pleasure from being a good girl, from making my master happy or from him being something more then me. I have pleasure from pain alone, from frustration during bondage or from fear if I will be able to untie myself or not, the idea that there is nobody who can untie me or help me is super exciting to me. When I find partner for bdsm it surely cant be a pure dominant but someone who likes it same way as I do. Another thing is that I do it mainly for sexual pleasure. When I was talking with other girls I was suprised that lot of them like it because of that humiliation and because someone is on top of them.

I just like to plan a scenario for myself, so I know whats in front of me, I can change the intensity, but when I jump right in I know that I cant really do anything about that. I already was thru a lot of my crazy ideas where I would scream safeword on my partner, but when there is nobody but me, I must do it and when its behind me I totally love it. Then there is my imagination. When Im playing alone I can go really deep, stop thinking about anything else, no talking, no thinking, that would be really different with partner. As I promised I will be more detailed, this was just briefly about how I do things, why I like bdsm and what possibilities I have in my life. Sometimes I feel like living a schizo life, but I guess I cant help it. And I dont even want to change it. I like this perverted me and it will be part of my life forever.

I hope you can understand me atleast a little bit more from what I wrote, because I have a really hard time expressing this part of me and why I like to play with myself. If there are any questions I will be happy to answer them.